Needed...yet feeling so infinitely unworthy

"Come, whoever you are! Wanderer, worshipper, Lover of Leaving. Come, this is not a caravan of despair. It doesn't matter if you've broken your vow a thousand times. Still and yet again, Come." 

-Rumi

Miserere....

I've discovered that as these past days have come and gone, I laugh less and less...my companion at nights isn't the tired yet sated "end of day" feeling...rather it is an anxious restlessness, an acute frustration and angst...and it attacks right at my core in ways I cannot begin to understand let alone communicate. It seems every bit of headway I make is lost and I am rolled right back to the bottom of the hill to start all over again...Its a broken feeling...like my spirit is slowly dying, and I am going through the motions of a life I have ordered to be on autopilot by sheer volume of activity...I press on...with all that makes my dark cloud hang that much lower...

I pledge, great music to tune to the heart of any patriot...

The video I upload here is something that is quite a beautiful and very much rough rehearsal video...its my Choir conductor's arrangement of I pledge my Heart Forever, solo for Soprano...It is to be performed in our season this year and I honestly CANNOT WAIT to hear the flawlessly rendered piece...just hope I don't freeze or tear up backstage when I should be changing costumes. *covers face* full credits for the video are typed below it, feel free to comment ...ENJOY !!! 

I Pledge... music Gustav Holst (I Vow to thee My Country), Lyrics Hon. V. Stafford Reid, OJ, Arranged for Soprano solo and piano by  Franklin E. Halliburton, AS sung by Marcelle Thomas, Accompanist, C. Whyte

Laying in my room, I stew in the malaise of another year of life lived, another year of loss and pain through the lens of the fifteenth anniversary of my mother's passing, it would be bad and not so bad if it were that this milestone did not occur annually in the week leading up to Mother's day (as it -being her passing away- had happened the day before mother's day in 1997)  but here I must every May pretend to be joyous and happy for everyone who will on this day celebrate their mothers, while secretly harbouring a bitterness I daren't  express and is non-existent in any other facet of my life...but I felt the need to sing, and on the morning, at around the time I was informed I could no longer stop it, and here it is, a mess that I in retrospect should not have made, but alas...Im bound by my word to post such forays...In a future post i will bemoan with words my day