what even is this?

I am hard to love.

that is not a statement of self-deprecation...at least not actively so. it is a statement of fact.

I am hard to love.

I was not raised in houses of duality and double-entendre. I was weaned from flights of ideal origin quite early.

I am hard to love.

I grew up observing what often turned out to be conditional affection, simmering as a thick layer over the sweet flame of unconditional love. it masked that flame, and for years I choked on the sickly sweet aroma that filled the room of my life experiences, at turns sweet, then bitter depending on things as arbitrary as the shift of wind. trust should have been hard...but it was affection that was impossible

I have been hard to love.

for as long as memory serves, I have been othered for one thing or other, til when time came to join the wider world, I had such great practice that I would actively other myself - by presenting all the deepest aspects of my true self to repel those who would after time have got used to my quirks. I made it hard by showing myself at the onset.

I can be hard to love

and yet I love easily. I respect all life, and honour the value of the autonomy of thought and deed of all, so long as they do not exercise it to the destruction of others. it is sad, then, that I am so hard to get to know - and even harder to want to be known

and yet you see me

you are uniquely placed, perfect and lovely. daily is my reality's negative dwarfed by you. may you not one day wake up, disillusioned with me - and to find
 - disappointedly -

that all I am...


...is hard to love

oh?

I am beginning to feel the tug and twist. the sensation that originates just behind the navel and travels to all limbs, before receding and settling into the base of my spine.

Intuitive vibrations come to bring not just a gust of anxiety but a warning burn of truth

speak calmly or shout bravely,

but the sirocco is coming

and whether it bears you aloft,
or with it's dry damp heat
oppress and punish

choose carefully the next step.

hmm...?

no...

no depth
no light
no earth
no sound
just........


no