I have never been one for comparison; you're doing a job, do it the best you can. that is it really, no depth of mantra or seeking to outshine another. Certainly awareness of the ways to an end result are best studied - one needn't re-invent a wheel to add it to another system - but this has never stopped me from going after or doing something with my perspective in mind (I take a moment here to say that this process is unrelated to when I choose to NOT engage in invention or innovation simply because what exists is sublime as is).
there is a lot I want to do and be, and a lot I have been and have done. has it all gone to plan? no. Has it hurt? most definitely. Yet i press. but it is hard.
It is hard to say "I want to be comforted" in the face of effort that, while not by any means small, does not total my best effort. I know in my mind that I try my best but there is always something that to varying degrees stops the undertaking from BEING the best I can do. how do I, knowing this, turn to someone and say "I am tired, I am broken, hold me together while I mend"? I do not. I hold the strain to me in the private recesses of myself. and while some have access to this place, I rarely allow for comfort in the face of my deeming myself unworthy.
It is hard to open myself to people. It is sort of a strange thing that, for someone who tries to be open with my desires, motivations, perspective, my reality, that I do not recover as readily from the rejection of negligent dismissal. I believe, like any other person I would be hurt if one simply rejects the counsel/gift/gesture, but would appreciate the honest turndown. We all want to feel valued and our insight worthwhile...but then there is the way of the non-confrontational passive aggressive, of exercisers of negligent dismissal: an act of rejection through accepting terms or promising to act on advice, with no intention of the action fitting more than the barest modicum of effort, and often just enough to make the failure seem not to stem from disinterest. you do no one favours by feigning investment in something.
I'd like to say I am determined to work on and heal "me" this year... but knowing me, I will shelve any personal project to help another be actualised. I can always get back to "me" ...after all, I am, to me, a hobby, not a passion.
