...and with No one to say "weep not, child" but the urge of disillusionment for constant company...

Ever just feel like your life took a turn and you've become a textbook example of nihilism? I've found that mine seems to take that turn a little more than every so often...usually carving a deep swathe into my happiness, leaving almost no joy in its wake. I cryptically told my aunt of a major problem that always sends me spiralling into deep depression whenever it comes up; she looked at me and said (translated to English) "You have yet to make the connection  between being nice and caring and taking the persons weight on your own shoulders, whether or not you think it is your fault, you in reality help no one when you yourself respond to it the way you do...look at you at nights sighing into pillow and looking like when  your mother just died, you cant keep doing this to yourself...its not healthy, and it is upsetting." and yet I retreat to same form..I cant deal, I have tried very hard to make amends, tried very hard to not further be a cause of pain or discomfiture to anyone and yet I keep finding myself here...keep finding myself...here...why do I keep going back to this place? why...I am so tired...so very tired...some days I do not even want to move, and this is after more than eight hours of sleep, as opposed to my usual four, after which I would usually be sprightly and awake...I often contemplate the world sans my existence...and in my estimation, if they can survive without my sainted mother...why then would they need me? me the source of pain and a monument to bad memories...

I feel like all I push most times is "down"

The Sharing and Navigating of our "Personal Darknesses"

Today's emotion cannot be processed, user is tired and quite annoyed with the world at the moment, but will explore their feelings...Eventually

       A friend of mine was sharing some difficulty they faced going through a bad breakup...the hardest part for them was not simply that they weren't over the person...it was the spaces that they shared with them...he referred to his personal space as his darkness...heartbroken, he says he now has no peace because he made "my" (his) darkness "our" (their) darkness...and it got me thinking (of course, AFTER we talked and he was comforted while we ate and laughed) of personal space and our own each of us "Darkness", the forms they take and the effect they have on us...as well as the gravity of what happens when we share these things.
     I can relate and I am sure we all can, with the reality of each of us having personal "darkness", whether it take the form of a place, activity, object or an amalgam or several of the former; it is this "thing/group of things" which "centres" us, makes us able to survive the world, to face the madness around us with relative calm and bravery. For me the primary one of my seemingly numerous is the solace of reading alone at home, for you doubtless it will be otherwise. I now imagine how much it takes many of us to share this personal space with someone...here I do not mean "tell" someone about it, though it my take that form as well...but to have them engage in it with you or even be present while you enact this process (be it so) . this is tantamount to letting them have an unfettered view of your essence, often see directly into your soul (hmm, feels like over-romanticism? maybe, maybe not), and this delicate moment is one that can make you or infinitely break you (and to the rare few, it will not phase you, and in that instance, was it really ever that important to you?)...now imagine that person/those persons disregarding the gravity of being "let in" or even worse know the importance and ignore it in a fit of neglect, anger, antipathy or just.plain.stupid.? if you're like me or my friend, your response is unease or despair, a gloominess or heaviness fills you at the thought of the activity/thing now, often so much so that it makes you avoid it altogether. others however, lash out, they make the person (or often everyone-the rest of the world) pay for this crime, this invasion and infringement...I warn us all to not take the communion of  private worlds lightly; yes we are human and there will be times we "mess up" but we should as much as possible be vigilant, because we never know when in our moments of humanity we may damage a soul beyond recognition and often beyond repair

The UWI Chorale (and what should be) my farewell concert Season

Me Photobombing the ladies of the Alto Line picture :-D

So this past weekend Saw me on stage for the University Chorale's (UWI, Mona) Concert Season 2012. One of the many performing Arts concepts I'm apparently a part of. It was, despite all the glitches, last minute complications and little things, an excellent show. I got to perform several songs I've wanted to for years, Work's When I was Sinking Down, Thomas' Peter Go Ring Dem Bells and though I would never say it, Leckberg's Alleluia. We even did Noel Dexter's Psalm 24 which has only been performed once prior to this season...

Me and Kimmy, Stage couple in all our choirs *feelin the lovements*

This was an arduous journey to the stage...and one of the very few where I was absent for more than 40% of the preparations for the show due to the demanding natures of my jobs and other performing arts concepts (hides face)...Until February I was not even sure I would be allowed to or even take part in the show until the MD (musical director), finally exasperated and convinced that I was serious in my asking if I was to be doing the show relented and said that I was in "the cast" as it were. then began the back work to catch up with the choir, which I assumed was light-years ahead of where I was as it regarded knowledge of songs for the season having staged alot of pieces and set the "high-church" music...fortunately, I wasn't as behind as I'd thought and we pulled through and gave a stellar performance

Me and one of ma Besties, ANNA...love her!

Di 3 musketeers...lol

A scene from the Jamaican Folk Suite of the show Anna on Solo *Whoot*