I cried today...
saline drops fell beneath my half closed lids and ran parallel courses down my toughened desert-dry cheeks, and set the channels that their many followers would take...and I did not dry them...I sat feeling the crushing weight of yet another year of a 'rigged' existential day to day meanderings, and I felt a constriction I had before not felt for several moons...
yet I got up and "ploughed on"... I take the blows of fate and walk on, buffeted back and sometimes, as I was in the predawn morning, so knocked as to be dazed and bent double at the waist, gripping at sides I scream...a protracted and unearthly thing, it demanded expression beyond my voice and lungs could stand, as after several excalmations (not a typo, im coining that word - the release or loss of calm from pressure or depression)I submerged myself, and proceeded to let fly my wail...and I emerge from my enclosure voiceless and still not yet fully released...metaphorical pen to paper, I wrote my scream out...and music came, release which after my ordeal had passed remains as monument to having faced it...a monument, as my tears were, to my weakness, and to my failure to "keep it inward"...and I shook my head at my idiocy... moments of weakness doesnt make one strong, but refusal to work through emotioncan bring the mightiest to their knees...I may just be "Rationalising" but hey...the mind does what it thinks is best in that moment to preserve itself when faced with trauma.....
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