“…but your addiction to unhappiness is such a strong potent thing that you refuse to give it up even when happiness comes your way - you just have to go out and find something to be depressed and sad an utterly unhappy about even if you don't have to”
These words, coming from an exasperated friend some time ago in a heated argument, still ring in my ears with the clarity of a bell, sonorous and with great peals of warning each time I revisit an old habit – I say “old habit” because I would like to believe I’ve cast off this aspect of me since this “intervention”…But I reflect on this while in repose, and the same questions arise:
“Why am I upset/ depressed when I should be elated?”
The same answer greets me all the while. I wait for the rug to be ripped from under me…the notion of “too good to be true” is such an ingrained precept in most of what I do that often it is both balm and bane to my existence (hmm, did I say is? I mean ‘was’ =) and I must concede this…why is it too good to be true? What on earth is there that should make me feel unworthy of possessing that feeling of joy, of contentment with self and at endeavour?
…and yet…who says I do? By what right am I worthy to claim any earthly thing as mine? Can one truly come into this plane of existence and say “this is my right”? The universe should not be some great property to be owned, we came and saw it, and I suspect (as it has been) that it will outlive us…so this is the internal struggle, after all my hard toil, to claim anything that was gleaned from an unresponsive realm (though I do believe it speaks to us…yup there goes my sanity) seems like stealing even despite “earning”…doesn’t it? Or am I regressing…..
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