hmm...an observation or mindless rant?

"The road to hell is paved with good intentions...and I'm the chief brick lay-er"

I found myself making this observation as I sat in transit to the University campus for my customary Thursday night chorale rehearsal. So often do ill sentiment and malfeasance become the end result of a well meaning thought or action (while I readily admit that in many instances this is brought on by the part motivators of fear or ignorance); usually festering into malice and disillusionment because of misinterpretation.
There was a comic I had read a little while ago that dealt with the artist's opinion of heaven: "...Imagine normal life, but where everyone understands what your intentions were when you screwed up..." (link to comic here: SMBC Comics). I saw it and I thought, isn't this what real life could have been if we all took the time to practice what we preach in moments of non-conflict ?
we never take the time anymore to simply understand someone, to get to walk around from their perspective. I do not look at this through a rose coloured lens - evil exists and persons take joy in personifying it - but so many moments would not become shaded with negativity and ill humour if we simply let go. but then...who's to say we aren't all just paving the expansive walkway to our destruction? Sadly, persons like me do so merrily, unwilling to allow dark things external and internal to corrupt their intent. And then there are others: those only dimly aware if what they're doing is the best choice for all, and willing it to be so, as in the moment it seems like the best choice for them.

But I, being poor, have only my dreams;

I have spread my dreams under your feet;

Tread softly because you tread on my dreams
(W. B. Yeats)

we forgot to tread softly...we forgot we walk among each others dreams.

Une Si Longue Lettre...from an Island boy who has ceased to dream

Aïssatou,
 It seems so fitting that I use this name and style with all that sits on this heavy heart...and yet I find the words will not come with the ease my tears do...appreciate my disjoint words and deep grief...may Ms Mariama Ba not look unfavourably on my doing from her resting place... semblance of composure regained, I begin


It seems Hestia really does not get the credit she so greatly deserves...

I see the slow trickle, a hellish descent, and all I can do is weep in my forced sequestration...I guess this talk was bound to happen, and sadly while the voice began in concern, its amplification rang a bit vitriolic in my ears... I guess this is a bad time to stop being the eternal advocate. so you were questioned, and you laid bare what was never hidden, and made light shine on things held only away from those who would not ask... you were already steadily losing faith in the institution to which you played the anchor, the last standing pillar in a glorious temple worn down by so many things, a restoration proving merely an excavation; in your eyes slowly growing dim and immune to hope's feeble illumination... "They've moved on, found other friends...I'm alone" you are not alone, but It always happens that the skeptic and the untrusting find it hard to invest further where no easy trail lie...We shared a lot, and bonded intensely, so it is no wonder that after resuscitation the things that caused its premature cardiac arrest, untended, should reclaim death's victim, a sacrifice for a sacrifice is needed to complete any circle...you were not put on the pyre, no matter how it may feel so, because what was done to you is what needs doing for all, and after this laying bare do we then decide to move forward together...or dissemble and in factions part ways... I will venture to say this, you were more centred in the resurrection than any would give credit for...you've sacrificed- stubbornly?yes unwisely? maybe- and now we draw ragged breaths because the whole body does not believe it lives truly...the heart can do nothing more than ferry blood, the brain must re-alert itself to its state as living, blood must re-absorb oxygen and nourishment and disseminate it to the other parts of the body, to renew them from a spell of deep grey otherworldliness...the process of resurrection so easily sours and makes a zombie out of a body that should either be a person or a corpse...but we have all lived too much in the "zombified" un-reality...lulled ourselves into strained embittered silence... when truly those save the heart who remained seemingly fully invested were in fact failing to launch from safe port from fear of stormy seas...I am not one to find a reason to question men's motives with a light as would give the unknown a negative light, in fact I eternally believe in the goodness of all people (much to the chagrin of several persons)...but it seems time for me to grow up, to open my eyes yet again to the world...and rip open wounds that have festered to the light of day... and try healing them the right way. I am misconstrued, misinterpreted as I myself misinterpret and I have unwittingly misled...but in their cessation may I begin to make penance... and you...you who sit and read with the lenses of many and the vision of none, who should peruse this letter written and shared with you... for YOU...you who have been loved and loved fiercely, you have been coddled and you have been given so much, such trust, affection, opportunity, and yet in respite for those things you repay with...your meagre and reluctant offering...Mene Tekel... but as yet...[Upharsin]?

Your Ramatoulaye,
gender time and country made irrelevant by our circumstance

Thinking on my days, and the escape from an almost fitful night...

      "...To send his precious peace to my soul, to my soul..." I lay in the almost tangible darkness of my room, the confines which keep the world in check while my thoughts reach out, passing over the minutiae of my existence, and the recollections of past and gone pain and grief, glimpses of moments of bliss and interwoven through each experience the emotional band that the memory evokes: from joyous hues of gold, violet and lilac to deepest black and crimson, my mind perceives it all as it transpires as if before my eyes. It is a 3-dimensional to scale model of my world, illuminating my dark corner of the universe with splashes of radiant imagination...
      and in the wee hours of this morning, it was blood red... a dark energy that incites and excites emotions I am unused to feeling so intensely almost unprovoked...and I feel the bile of rage bite at my throat, choking the ability to see reason...frantically, I take a lungfuls of air, and the vivid colour and emotion recede, to be replaced by sadness...the deep aching sadness that seems my eternal private companion...

And I give in to the oblivion of what apathy would feel like...and feel the freedom sap the resolve from my bones. thus comforted, I free-fall into a deep, dreamless sleep...

To My Friends...

It is something of a habit of mine to continually try to make it known to my friends just how wonderful they are; I love in every one of them all aspects of their nature. I feel drawn to them each in a way that is quite unlike the bond I have with another. they are never put against the same scale, they are all awesome for everything they do...in fact for me even quirks, mishaps and errs are to be praised as what came to create the person I now have the privilege of sharing space with. To all my friends, and especially to my close and long suffering ones, friendships formed in academia, passion, arts, sports, and yes, those as products of past romance... I LOVE YOU. YOU ARE SPECIAL TO ME. YOU ARE IMPORTANT TO ME AND ALL YOU DO AMAZES AND INTERESTS ME... I'll never hesitate to make it known that I will always appreciate you all