And I am undone...

In the moonlit expanse of a tiny space

that we make infinite by our need for intimacy

I feel the charge

the sting of it

as...

cold caresses become hot, bold ravishing

engulfing bodies in a flame long kindled.

And I am undone

long before the first kiss, 

long after the last caress

as sunlight touches us

and illuminates my favourite pillow

hard as sculpted marble

yet soft as down-stuffed velvet...

securely encased i lay

And...I...am...Undone

Needed release...and words I cannot un-write

I have been at myself since Sunday evening (today being Tuesday) to have a listen to Celtic Woman's "The Voice". I had a talk with my best friend, and before I could even explain the compulsion to find this song, he gave the answer I myself was unable to give name to...
I was missing home...
I was missing home...and in agreeing I also added, for it felt I needed to ..."I was missing"...
A lightning bolt was sent searing a hot trail into my brain and shooting into my heart.
I have not been home in over a month, not slept in my own bed, carved lovingly by the hands of my grandfather, not been in my room, the layout decided on and implemented by me to reflect my tastes, my personality, me...I had not gazed at nor updated my arts wall, no new posters adorning my space...I have not sat, ravenous at my aunt's table for Sunday dinner, leaving feeling for all the world like my stomach was stretched to thrice its mass...and then I thought of my aunts, of my family...and I wept, a silent storm of bitter tears in the stillness of night, as the space I held, adjacent yet separated by leagues as you lay thinking me asleep and go about your activity, forfeiting yourself good rest, and by doing so me of the same. I miss moments when the cold of the bed surrounding me was an absence I was accustomed to, when my bed was shared by my Grams on visits and bad days, and by my sister when her mask of invulnerability disappeared before the waxing of the moon; before life became complicated and I hung by my collar, servant to love.
And it is that love that tempers the bile of loss. On good days I accept all; I see where I am happy and make happy, where moments pass of such unbridled bliss...but days like today, a low day, a day when it feels like I need that assurance I'm not a hamster on a treadmill going nowhere, when I need that word, that hug, that gesture...It is, like in others, absent...And it is absent because of my silence, yet my words don't and never have banished it...I am with you to be happy, I am not happy unless you are happy, you are not happy because of instability, I am on this wheel to combat that which would usurp your stability... I only ask that I be made aware I am remembered. Thoughts are unseen, and welcome, but not enough...

"Lonely" by Frozen Stardust

and still, come morrow, I greet the day and smile, and hope that today I am moored to land, not bobbing out to sea so close to harbour...please...

Thinking on my days, and the escape from an almost fitful night...

      "...To send his precious peace to my soul, to my soul..." I lay in the almost tangible darkness of my room, the confines which keep the world in check while my thoughts reach out, passing over the minutiae of my existence, and the recollections of past and gone pain and grief, glimpses of moments of bliss and interwoven through each experience the emotional band that the memory evokes: from joyous hues of gold, violet and lilac to deepest black and crimson, my mind perceives it all as it transpires as if before my eyes. It is a 3-dimensional to scale model of my world, illuminating my dark corner of the universe with splashes of radiant imagination...
      and in the wee hours of this morning, it was blood red... a dark energy that incites and excites emotions I am unused to feeling so intensely almost unprovoked...and I feel the bile of rage bite at my throat, choking the ability to see reason...frantically, I take a lungfuls of air, and the vivid colour and emotion recede, to be replaced by sadness...the deep aching sadness that seems my eternal private companion...

And I give in to the oblivion of what apathy would feel like...and feel the freedom sap the resolve from my bones. thus comforted, I free-fall into a deep, dreamless sleep...