A Lament

A Lament


With eyes that once
Held the spark of suns
And lips that spilled
Gems from unspoilt gums
I watched in proud fascination
Your growth
Your passion…

O wayward child, 
O wilful babe!
Weaned from milk -
now venom you crave.

I must say that
And it is true
Your change it did 
Stem from me too
And thusly I present of myself 
My back
For lashing

O wayward child
O wilful babe
weaned from milk
now venom you crave

I sit and watch,
I stand and gape;
And worried, I,
Myself did hate
Until I did with clarity
See you
And not me 

O wayward child
O wilful babe
you chose your ilk…
You, I cannot save

To The Girl-turned-Woman who moved me...

You are beautiful, whole and perfect; the universe's gift to all who are blessed to come into contact with you.

I have wanted to offer my two cents, but feel it would be an insignificant contribution to the outpouring, and so I stand with them, willing my sentiment to permeate the air and that you will know that I support and am awed by you. these four years I have had the distinct honour of being acquainted with you have truly been some of the most noteworthy of my life. As I stood by you that night, I began to muse on just how far our interactions have evolved.. I remember that you were one of the only persons that didn't seem to retreat into yourself in the presence of a certain ballet- mistress (in fact, you were the first to make me laugh at her, but as I MAY have been eavesdropping that one time, I wont tell you that). I immediately thought two things; you will come to be better when her time passes, or, that  you will perpetuate her stoic icy reign in the macabre system that was apparently "how things were done" in the Company. I am glad to say, your batch's seniority and leadership is looked on as a time of the best in relation between company members across lines of senior/junior and male/female.

Throughout all this, my first two years, I observed, pleased, but silent. A silence that did not last much longer, as it is well known that when one of your closest friends is Mr R.V. McKenzie, sociable isn't a choice, its a non-negotiable consequence.

I Never knew I'd be a dancer or that I'd've met you...seeing this recently I'm reminded
the world is a very small place :)

I always wondered why you seemed not to want to teach when a piece was remounted, but in the end never questioned it (which was probably wise, my mouth seems to have no filter and knowing my dunce ways I might've sounded like I was judging). but I am grateful you gave me an intimate view of life as an architecture student, and gained me a new-found appreciation for not only you and your balance, but to another friend's struggle and concern. Jo-Ann, I was amazed at the workload, and awed you took very little break, all day at studio to change scenery for another studio only to go back and burn midnight oil. I watched...you were phenomenal (This was around the time of that UTech Vid en pointe...you were EVERYTHING!).

I was beginning to feel like my vocal cords wouldn't rupture if I dared speak to you unbidden, and I struck up (on my part) an uneasy acquaintanceship (I was still quite terrified of you). and slowly, I was made party to the group of persons who stood in the awesome space of friend and fan of the incomparable 'Jo'.

Then the unthinkable happened...Sir was setting a new work on us...and you chose me as your partner...

*Pause, while I again recover from being starstruck*

You probably didn't know that by simply choosing to be my partner you ensured I would work the hardest I had worked in dance up to this point. I. Was. Floored...and to this day, it produced my favourite artistic shot of me in life... and I will always have you to thank for it

you went past the platitudes other senior girls would usually say to us supporting men, and showed that you ACTUALLY trusted us, that we were worth something to the continuity and growth, the image of the Company Dance Theatre...

This year, with the lineup of such a varied undertaking, we were all excited and a little bit afraid of the mammoth task. I was worried that you were not as present as before, but was confident you would return, star up class and then go on to take the stage. you then returned from  hiatus, and all progressed(smoothly is not the word one uses for this period, so I'll simply say progressed). 

Then you repeated the untinkable: in remounting the ballet RoseHall, you chose me...not once, but TWICE to be your partner...my glad bag jus' buss! I felt I had come full circle, that I did something right if I were worthy to be chosen again.

If you'll notice I have glossed over the negative bits, the espionage, the whisperings, mutterings and flare up that have caused this moment. I do so because they were to have been immaterial...and I somehow fear if it were anyone else, they would have been...Life, however, chooses who to be fair to.

I could join in the persons who decry and scream their resentment, raising my voice in protest...but I have never been a good orator, in fact, I don't think I communicate well at all...but I am standing there. I am standing there waiting to see you again recover from that fall, from the landing, from that moment of unexplained incident...I am waiting to be in awe again...the stage is not the same without you, and there is a heaviness that will remain with me until it has welcomed you back...

until then...I am Waiting. in the wings, in the audience, on my feet...I am waiting

Une Si Longue Lettre...from an Island boy who has ceased to dream

Aïssatou,
 It seems so fitting that I use this name and style with all that sits on this heavy heart...and yet I find the words will not come with the ease my tears do...appreciate my disjoint words and deep grief...may Ms Mariama Ba not look unfavourably on my doing from her resting place... semblance of composure regained, I begin


It seems Hestia really does not get the credit she so greatly deserves...

I see the slow trickle, a hellish descent, and all I can do is weep in my forced sequestration...I guess this talk was bound to happen, and sadly while the voice began in concern, its amplification rang a bit vitriolic in my ears... I guess this is a bad time to stop being the eternal advocate. so you were questioned, and you laid bare what was never hidden, and made light shine on things held only away from those who would not ask... you were already steadily losing faith in the institution to which you played the anchor, the last standing pillar in a glorious temple worn down by so many things, a restoration proving merely an excavation; in your eyes slowly growing dim and immune to hope's feeble illumination... "They've moved on, found other friends...I'm alone" you are not alone, but It always happens that the skeptic and the untrusting find it hard to invest further where no easy trail lie...We shared a lot, and bonded intensely, so it is no wonder that after resuscitation the things that caused its premature cardiac arrest, untended, should reclaim death's victim, a sacrifice for a sacrifice is needed to complete any circle...you were not put on the pyre, no matter how it may feel so, because what was done to you is what needs doing for all, and after this laying bare do we then decide to move forward together...or dissemble and in factions part ways... I will venture to say this, you were more centred in the resurrection than any would give credit for...you've sacrificed- stubbornly?yes unwisely? maybe- and now we draw ragged breaths because the whole body does not believe it lives truly...the heart can do nothing more than ferry blood, the brain must re-alert itself to its state as living, blood must re-absorb oxygen and nourishment and disseminate it to the other parts of the body, to renew them from a spell of deep grey otherworldliness...the process of resurrection so easily sours and makes a zombie out of a body that should either be a person or a corpse...but we have all lived too much in the "zombified" un-reality...lulled ourselves into strained embittered silence... when truly those save the heart who remained seemingly fully invested were in fact failing to launch from safe port from fear of stormy seas...I am not one to find a reason to question men's motives with a light as would give the unknown a negative light, in fact I eternally believe in the goodness of all people (much to the chagrin of several persons)...but it seems time for me to grow up, to open my eyes yet again to the world...and rip open wounds that have festered to the light of day... and try healing them the right way. I am misconstrued, misinterpreted as I myself misinterpret and I have unwittingly misled...but in their cessation may I begin to make penance... and you...you who sit and read with the lenses of many and the vision of none, who should peruse this letter written and shared with you... for YOU...you who have been loved and loved fiercely, you have been coddled and you have been given so much, such trust, affection, opportunity, and yet in respite for those things you repay with...your meagre and reluctant offering...Mene Tekel... but as yet...[Upharsin]?

Your Ramatoulaye,
gender time and country made irrelevant by our circumstance

An Old poem fast returning to prominence in my life

I Am

I am: yet what I am none cares or knows,
My friends forsake me like a memory lost;
I am the self-consumer of my woes,
They rise and vanish in oblivious host,
Like shades in love and death's oblivion lost;
And yet I am! and live with shadows tost

Into the nothingness of scorn and noise,
Into the living sea of waking dreams,
Where there is neither sense of life nor joys,
But the vast shipwreck of my life's esteems;
And e'en the dearest--that I loved the best--
Are strange--nay, rather stranger than the rest.

I long for scenes where man has never trod;
A place where woman never smil'd or wept;
There to abide with my creator, God,
And sleep as I in childhood sweetly slept:
Untroubling and untroubled where I lie;
The grass below--above the vaulted sky. 

John Clare          

...and with No one to say "weep not, child" but the urge of disillusionment for constant company...

Ever just feel like your life took a turn and you've become a textbook example of nihilism? I've found that mine seems to take that turn a little more than every so often...usually carving a deep swathe into my happiness, leaving almost no joy in its wake. I cryptically told my aunt of a major problem that always sends me spiralling into deep depression whenever it comes up; she looked at me and said (translated to English) "You have yet to make the connection  between being nice and caring and taking the persons weight on your own shoulders, whether or not you think it is your fault, you in reality help no one when you yourself respond to it the way you do...look at you at nights sighing into pillow and looking like when  your mother just died, you cant keep doing this to yourself...its not healthy, and it is upsetting." and yet I retreat to same form..I cant deal, I have tried very hard to make amends, tried very hard to not further be a cause of pain or discomfiture to anyone and yet I keep finding myself here...keep finding myself...here...why do I keep going back to this place? why...I am so tired...so very tired...some days I do not even want to move, and this is after more than eight hours of sleep, as opposed to my usual four, after which I would usually be sprightly and awake...I often contemplate the world sans my existence...and in my estimation, if they can survive without my sainted mother...why then would they need me? me the source of pain and a monument to bad memories...

I feel like all I push most times is "down"

I am sorry...and thank you

I don't know...I truly don't know what comes in the future steps taken...but One thing's certain I will heed your words...

             "......You rejected my love...Don't reject my forgiveness..."

thank you...

Some post Christmas Season Nostalgia...

So The alumni of Ardenne Music Club (my alma mater) decided to, in a fit of our usual routine, to sing an old carol from the "good old days" (yes...its 90% of the time a christmas carol that we sing...there was always something about singing carols at Ardenne) Behold our Quintet rendition of "O Come O Come Emanuel" (and because I was Idle, A fanfare that popped outta my head while I was amassing the Pics to make the video.

(^_^') Hope you enjoy, and as usual, Feedback Welcome!

A [not so] Random Excursion...

Today was an awesomely spontaneous day. at home somewhat bored.out.of.my.wits, I got up to answer "the call."

No, it wasn't the call of nature...per se...

Was an invitation to visit a friend's mother on her birthday, to brighten her holidays with company. It seems the trip was what all involved had needed, as a grand time was had by all, picking coconuts, cooking food prepared over an open fire (I LOVE spicy food, and mama Donna did NOT disappoint), splashing around, swimming and exploring the river in the backyard (the district of Deeside, St Catherine, Jamaica).

at the moment I had seen the embrace of mother and son, a pang of jealousy that I've come to be aware of but never able to banish or ignore flared up...and I remember I would never have that moment, that I was a bit of an intruder upon this family, a rare moment the voyeur on the other side of the glass could get up close... and I did my trademark, a smile a joke and a casual sidestep and was about to walk away when....she hugged me as well. bafflingly, she hugged us all, and in the brief embrace I felt a warmth I feel solely from the protective hug of the nurturing women in my life, as well as something more...undefinable but wonderful...*shrug* love of a mother? Guess that's due for more over-analysis as is my wont

 moving on, *awkward chuckle*I discovered I had not completely lost my ability to swim unceasingly in unknown waters, and in the process found the challenge of swimming against current was exhilarating, planting the seed of longing for my once constant trips to the pool. twas a great day all in all, and interestingly I discovered that a lot of my love for water is steeped in a fear and awe of its power. humbled as I waded through the cool stream, feeling the moss and silt and stones caress my soles, I felt an eerie peace...
I missed my other close friends terribly, and I had wanted to share the day with them, but It was not to've been...Maybe/hopefully next time...

To My Friends...

It is something of a habit of mine to continually try to make it known to my friends just how wonderful they are; I love in every one of them all aspects of their nature. I feel drawn to them each in a way that is quite unlike the bond I have with another. they are never put against the same scale, they are all awesome for everything they do...in fact for me even quirks, mishaps and errs are to be praised as what came to create the person I now have the privilege of sharing space with. To all my friends, and especially to my close and long suffering ones, friendships formed in academia, passion, arts, sports, and yes, those as products of past romance... I LOVE YOU. YOU ARE SPECIAL TO ME. YOU ARE IMPORTANT TO ME AND ALL YOU DO AMAZES AND INTERESTS ME... I'll never hesitate to make it known that I will always appreciate you all

A sweet Sentiment...