The Sharing and Navigating of our "Personal Darknesses"

Today's emotion cannot be processed, user is tired and quite annoyed with the world at the moment, but will explore their feelings...Eventually

       A friend of mine was sharing some difficulty they faced going through a bad breakup...the hardest part for them was not simply that they weren't over the person...it was the spaces that they shared with them...he referred to his personal space as his darkness...heartbroken, he says he now has no peace because he made "my" (his) darkness "our" (their) darkness...and it got me thinking (of course, AFTER we talked and he was comforted while we ate and laughed) of personal space and our own each of us "Darkness", the forms they take and the effect they have on us...as well as the gravity of what happens when we share these things.
     I can relate and I am sure we all can, with the reality of each of us having personal "darkness", whether it take the form of a place, activity, object or an amalgam or several of the former; it is this "thing/group of things" which "centres" us, makes us able to survive the world, to face the madness around us with relative calm and bravery. For me the primary one of my seemingly numerous is the solace of reading alone at home, for you doubtless it will be otherwise. I now imagine how much it takes many of us to share this personal space with someone...here I do not mean "tell" someone about it, though it my take that form as well...but to have them engage in it with you or even be present while you enact this process (be it so) . this is tantamount to letting them have an unfettered view of your essence, often see directly into your soul (hmm, feels like over-romanticism? maybe, maybe not), and this delicate moment is one that can make you or infinitely break you (and to the rare few, it will not phase you, and in that instance, was it really ever that important to you?)...now imagine that person/those persons disregarding the gravity of being "let in" or even worse know the importance and ignore it in a fit of neglect, anger, antipathy or just.plain.stupid.? if you're like me or my friend, your response is unease or despair, a gloominess or heaviness fills you at the thought of the activity/thing now, often so much so that it makes you avoid it altogether. others however, lash out, they make the person (or often everyone-the rest of the world) pay for this crime, this invasion and infringement...I warn us all to not take the communion of  private worlds lightly; yes we are human and there will be times we "mess up" but we should as much as possible be vigilant, because we never know when in our moments of humanity we may damage a soul beyond recognition and often beyond repair

The aftermath...

so...My solo turned ALMOST into a hot mess...a Hot.ghetto.Mess. but I survived...the accompanist kept driving me up a wall, at points redoing bars with mistakes WHILE I'M SINGING...so I had was to just finish the piece with a quickness...I braved out the rest of the first half valiantly, then went backstage during intermission...where I proceeded to cry that I ruined my friend's piece...yup cry...like a bitch... and though I should've foreseen it, I didn't think i'd've been caught by other members of the choir...but there I was, crying when hands came from behind and hugged my shoulders...and I tried to buck up and they still came down -__-...
 But they were cool, despite not even possibly understanding my state of depression at failing. It was a lovely thing, in retrospect at least, because I surely didn't allow myself comfort last night, I just totally retreated into myself, went through second half on determined autopilot, then except for two times when I sang 'Bb' as 'A', and 'D' as 'Bb',  I pulled off my second solo fairly well, was alternating verses with another tenor for Gustav Holst's "Lullay my Liking'.
All in all, I was ecstatic to sing the Hallelujah chorus and put a close to the night's show.
I was complimented on my solos, though I must confess these I disregarded, I think because either they were trying to be nice or trying to cheer me up (ones who caught me). I proceeded then to drink and eat with the choir, after a hard concert's end... and sleep was had and oblivion joyously received

Random musing

Sitting at my desk at home, pencil in hand and ruler at the ready, i decided to take my little leisure time and begin that arrangement/mash-up of Sweet Lies and Angel eyes Ive had in my head for nigh 2 years (Beres Hammond) ... and i couldn't...the "why"s "What if"s begun to strike again i full force as i looked blankly at the Manuscript page before me which had shown such promise just seconds before...

what if its no good?

what if its too horrid and makes others annoyed?

why am i doing this?

why would anyone read let alone do this?

I removed myself from my workstation and summarily went for a long walk.

as i walked i hummed the themes of each song which spoke to me, my slow traverse of the neighbourhood, now a staple of my late nights at home (I usually only have nights for leisure), was calming, lending its usual tranquility. this morning (now the morning after) I set out for my place of employ my Neighbour, after my usual mumbled Good Morrow stopped me in my tracks by expressing a like for the song I was singing last night as i passed by her gate...guess thats one "what if" laid to rest...

Life really is too short to focus solely on what would hinder growth...