Stream of semi-consciousness...Part 1

"Blood. so much of it, cascading down in an unending stream... I look on and wonder ruefully while I watch my essence slowly leave me...and I smile...I smile for the serenity it will grant so many, who no longer have me to be a burden, to steal your light, to be your block to greater things sure to be accomplished outside of my presence and existence, my apparent (yet oddly non-existent) prescience ..."

I find it odd that in the wee hours of the morning On the day of my ancestors gaining of Emancipation from Slavery, I contemplate freedom and my mind's eye while semi conscious I envisage such a vision as the way I acquire mine. I find that so much of what I think of myself is tied to what I am to others...and it has come to where it is to my immense detriment. who am I and how do i define "me"? I cannot simply claim a sense of purpose and of self if i have no clue who I am...I've spent years simply demonizing myself because of what I should accept as part of being human, and it has gone to the point where at 22 years old I am an "identity-less" withdrawn puppet...I find, at this age that there is almost nothing of myself that I can truly say I love and accept wholly...or that I consider particularly beautiful...or of any real use...and that has been the most prevalent voice in all I do the self doubt which seeps into all that I undertake, that trailing dissonance present in all that comes from me...